You've seen the public drinking fountains in the city, eh? They're constantly flowing? They're scattered across this fair city of Portlandia and have become kind of a distinguishing characteristic of Oregon's metropolitan epicenter. Anyway, it's been a good while since I've last tasted one of these fountains' cool water but in recent weeks, I've seen stuff that has convinced me to never get my mouth within 2-4 feet of these things. The first was a hobo instructing another hobo how to effectively use the fountain. He demonstrated this by covering the water-spewing hole with his stained thumb to shoot the water higher up, thereby making his drinking easier. Not only did he not have to bend over as far to quench his thirst and soak his parched mouth, but he was also able to wash the crums from his beard. It's actually nice to know that the fountains aren't a total waste--after all, they're helping rehydrate the city's homeless after a day's worth of binge drinking and random pill-popping. The second deciding incident happened today when I witnessed a pigeon, clearly pleased with himself after a satisfying shit, used one of said water fountains as a bidet. He hopped up on the rim of the fountain, maneuvered his anus over the mouth of the faucet and proceeded to clean his ass. He fluttered and, taking a cue from Nelly and P. Diddy's abhorrent song, 'shook his tail feathers.' Never again, I say. Never again will I drink from these water fountains.
In conclusion, I know as well as you, everybody gets thirsty, everybody needs water. It's the same desire and necessity for satiation that drives a zebra to dip his lips into a crocodile-infested waterhole; he knows the risks but they don't change the fact that he needs a drink. From now on, I'll just drink water elsewhere, from another, more trusted source.
WASH YOUR HANDS
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