you're too old to run away

I just read something about the Shaolin monks, the real dudes in Shaolandia or China or whatever, and they're demanding an apology from some random guy on the internet who claimed that a ninja could beat a Shaolin monk in a fight. So ninjas, I gather, are Japanese assassins and not too noble. The Shaolin monks, on the other hand, are committed to peace and nobility; they only resort to violence in defense of the weak. My suggestion? Settle it once and for all. Fight! Actually, violence is uncool. Maybe they oughta sit at a table with some hot soup and talk it out. Miso or eggflower. Either way, I bet the guy who originally made the claim was just some turd in a basement with orange cheeto residue on his fingers and cold, half-eaten hot pockets within reach. It all seems petty.

KEEP LISTENING TO THE BLACK LIPS

$2 off

Check this out. I got this pack of gum at the Korean corner store by my house. It shocks you if you try to pull out the stick. It seriously packs a big jolt; it's so cool. I've had it for two days now and it has proven to be an endless source of amusement.

But seriously, what's with bum kids? Sometimes they seem so dedicated to being bums. I wonder if they decide one day to move out of mom's house, cram a bunch of junk in a backpack, throw out the deoderant and get a dog on a rope. It might be a seasonal thing. Once it gets too cold out, they all move back home and resume normal life. Or when they go back to college in the fall, they say they spent their summer living like a hobo. I saw one panhandler, dog in tow, holding his cardboard sign in one hand and talking on a cell phone with the other. "No mom," he said. "I don't want salmon tonight."

There's lots of hipsters in Portland too. It's a hip place man. Go to New Seasons or almost any bar in NE or SE and you'll see what I'm talking about. But I'm probably a hipster sometimes too. It's a pretty subjective call. Biased too. I think it's a term of condemnation but it seems to get thrown around a lot by hipsters as much as squares. The Libertines sang about it: "Did you see the stylish kids in the riot..."

LISTEN TO THE BLACK LIPS.

hail to the beef

It's a strange feeling I get. I'm stoked that I got to bear witness to GW Bush's time in office. As his empire crumbles around him and his appointees and allies resign amid turmoil and controversy, I feel somewhat privileged to watch it happen. After these eight years of utter ineptitude, incompetence and ultimate failure, I will be able to say that I lived through two terms of what will go down as the worst presidency in history.

Do cows have boogers?

big brother

Cold hearted orb that rules the night,
Removes the colors from our sight.
Red is grey and yellow white,
But we decide which is right.
And which is an illusion...

sit on it

I went camping over the weekend with some folks. It was kool and the gang man, hella Fonzie. Nothing gives me a better sense of nature and the outdoors than stinking cess pit toilets, screaming children on bicycles, and loose dogs on the prowl. But seriously, it's always nice to get away from the normal day-to-day. One day I was rowing m'lady in a boat, singing sweet songs of lily and lace, when a screaming harpy plucked a soon-to-be devoured meal from the water. It was actually an osprey retrieving a trout--a trout on a fisherman's hook and line. As the bird flew away with its catch in its clutches, the line kept spooling out from the fisherman's reel. At one point, the great raptor appeared to be held back by the fisherman as both wrestled for what they thought was rightfully theirs. The line was cut soon after and the osprey took its prize to a treetop, with the trailing fishing line gleaming in the sun.

tinkle tinkle

Skateboarding. Though the Xgames and the Mountain Dew Huck Jam bring it to a wider audience, skating is still multi-faceted, _____ing with its __________. What you won't see on any televised extreme 'sporting' event is the true essence of skateboarding. Some dudes don't do it for the money or fame. Check out Jeremy Reeves on Youtube. he's not alone

pulling the rug

This lady just won a hefty sum in the lottery. Something like a million bucks! Hella dolemite! So she goes to claim her winnings and they check her ID. Turns out she bought the winning ticket with a stolen credit card. So no dough for you, lady! What a chump.

Cheaters never prosper. Crime doesn't pay--at least not all the time.

you heard it here

barry bonds is on drugs man. that fool is uncool. throw the ball back, i say.

i cut my tongue to change my new year

For real! It's official! I thought this was cool. I didn't make it. I don't even know who the hell did, but there it is. Our name in lights!