tinkle tinkle

Skateboarding. Though the Xgames and the Mountain Dew Huck Jam bring it to a wider audience, skating is still multi-faceted, _____ing with its __________. What you won't see on any televised extreme 'sporting' event is the true essence of skateboarding. Some dudes don't do it for the money or fame. Check out Jeremy Reeves on Youtube. he's not alone

pulling the rug

This lady just won a hefty sum in the lottery. Something like a million bucks! Hella dolemite! So she goes to claim her winnings and they check her ID. Turns out she bought the winning ticket with a stolen credit card. So no dough for you, lady! What a chump.

Cheaters never prosper. Crime doesn't pay--at least not all the time.

you heard it here

barry bonds is on drugs man. that fool is uncool. throw the ball back, i say.

i cut my tongue to change my new year

For real! It's official! I thought this was cool. I didn't make it. I don't even know who the hell did, but there it is. Our name in lights!

BOO HOO

Nobody reads my blog, nobody comments, nobody thinks I have anything cool to say...blah blah go to hell....

Check this out though, it's a pillow for lonely ladies!Now they can sleep soundly in the comfort of a man's armpit. Sure, the pillow man doesn't smell like Old Spice and it doesn't grope you while you try to rest, but it's always there and it never talks back or has bad breath. What the picture doesn't show is the pillow's head. When you purchase it, you can choose between Ryan Seacrest, Charles Barkley or the Bounty Paper Towel guy. The latter comes complete with lifelike facial hair.

Do you think women will actually buy this thing? Maybe gay guys who long for the touch of a strong man might be a better target market. Some dudes might want to get one for their clingy gal even though I think jealousy might end up getting the best of them, "DAMN YOU, PILLOW MAN!"

a breath of fresh hair

The Hives are the shit. I just mined the depths of youtube hoping for a taste of their new album. My appetite was further whetted with newer footage of some unknown songs they've been playing in Europe lately. Needless to say, i was as stoked as a hormone-dripping teenybopper catching the eye of Donnie Wahlberg at a late 1980s NKOTB concert extravaganza. The first clip I found was a sublime seven-song medley covering the likes of the Hellacopters, Saul Williams, Outkast, Three 6 Mafia and the White Stripes that culminated with the band's impassioned version of their own 'hate to say I told you so.' It was super cool. The next clip I found was a song I hadn't heard before and, judging by the band's outfits, it was indeed a newer composition. The song was in the vein of some others off their last album--influenced by 1960s pop and punctuated with drum breaks and happy, danceable choruses. If this is any indication of the new album, it is a likely possibility that I will be the happiest of campers. Also, I found an older clip of the band playing a festival in Germany in 2003. The song could've been an old girl-group or doo-wop cover but, upon further investigation, it's a newer song by a band called the Compulsive Gamblers. They're a group from Memphis who clearly owe something to the super-fun-jubilant-melancholy bands of the past. I don't want to get my hopes up, because they've been dashed before on occasions like this, but HOLY SHIT i can't wait for the Hives' new album.

shut up

Oh man, I'm listening to my office's version of Dwight Shrute solve the world's problems. He's getting sweaty and dropping verbal turds from his fat stupid face right now. Seriously, he's talking about nothing and nobody's listening. But I should just transcribe this shit, it's too good. Did you know his father was in the air force? And that he was born in the same town as John Denver and Demi Moore? I do now. Do you know how to fix the public school system? He does. "The most recent level 5 tornado was in 2003, which was the year Lebron was drafted." Fascinating. Wouldn't you think that if nobody's listening, making eye contact, or even giving you the vaguest hint of acknowledgment, you'd realize that nobody gives a shit? It's unbelievable. There's three people down here who are now subject to whatever bullshit this tripe-spewing volcano spouts. I'm sure he has more pressing, work-related matters. Yet here I am blogging at work.

vanity

up to me, down to you

I saw a pregnant lady, ripe with life and, from the look of her distended belly, about 6 or 7 months in, smoking a cigarette. To make matters worse, she was blowing her secondhand right into the stroller of another toddler and contaminating his virgin lungs. I thought about saying something to her, but I didn't. This was downtown, in plain view of many other people too. She was hella rugged and fully hood but someone (like me) probably still should've said something. I'm sure she knows that what she was doing was stupid, selfish, and totally unhealthy for her, her unborn child, and the other baby in the stroller. Is it the obligation of society to step up and tell this fool how to conduct her life and raise her children?

bury me

Oh man. The band is now called the Dregs and we played a show downtown last night at a bar with a stage. It was a trainwreck. A total disaster. Nobody was focused, people were super tired and not feeling well, and the plane crashed into the mountain. It was embarassing. I got pissed off at my cymbal. People were stepping on cables and pulling out cords. I was excited just to be playing a real show. And some friends that hadn't seen or heard us before were going to be in attendance. I just wanted us to play well and impress them. Nuts to that. They'll tell everybody they know how shitty it was and that Bryan's band is a total waste of time. Oh well.

Dawn of Man

Holding back is unhealthy sometimes. Better out than in, I say. Of course, that's not true for everyone, or every situation for that matter.

Thinking about evolution... It's interesting to think about the circumstances that shaped the rise of humanity. I can't even begin to fathom how many generations it took for us to progress from lil ape-dudes to people, simian to sapien; or how fish grew legs and walked out of the sea to strike forth on land. What fascinates me even more is that some creatures are still virtually unchanged and have yet to undergo drastic evolutions. Crocodiles, for instance, are so well-suited to their environments that they haven't had the need to evolve. Though crocodiles aren't alone in this distinction, that doesn't mean they're immune to evolution. Nature and other outside forces dictate their ability to adapt. But what will people look like in 1,000 years or more? Will there even be any people left on this planet? TURTLEDOVES! SHIT! I should just read a book. We should all read a book. Any jerk who refutes evolution is a jackass in my book.

I have questions, I want answers.

Oh yeah, I saw a naked bike ride/parade a week or so ago. A shitload of naked people riding bikes, hootin' and hollerin,' shakin' and a-bouncin,' and letting their freak flags fly. It was definitely a sight to behold. Being naked is exhilarating. I once did the drunkman streak. It was on the way home from a particularly boisterous night at the Horsehead, a watering hole in Eugene known to serve 'em stiff. Me and some friends decided to take the long way home for whatever reason and with some [gentle] coaxing from the girls, the decision was made to disrobe. All I remember is that it was time to go native and that once that cool fresh air hit my pale naked body, I was off. I gave in to the exhilaration and just started running and laughing so hard that I couldn't breathe. We were all laughing; hootin' and hollerin,' shakin' and a-bouncin.' It was a good night. The next morning we were all cut up. The soles of our feet were scuffed up; our knees, elbows and palms were scraped. Someone lost a shoe probably. But our pride, however damaged, remained intact.

URINATE OFTEN

for real

My cousin Connie rescued this kitty from a shelter. She named it Harriet. Raised on a steady diet of cat food and cold cuts, Harriet grew to epic proportions. Once, I agreed to get Connie's mail and feed the cat while she was on vacation. Litter box duty was also part of the job description. No joke: Harriet's turds rivaled mine in size. For reals.

the swill of it all

sure do love to sip. mild summer evenings, cold bottles. ever thus the deadbeats.

running up that hill

EAT ICE CREAM

hair down

Why do some people hold the phone to their ear to listen and then pull it away to speak straight into the receiving end? Doesn't it work the same way regardless of how you hold it? True, it looks a little more dramatic and urgent but the person on the other end of the line can't see that.

LISTEN TO COLD WAR KIDS